So today we're coming off a bad fight from yesterday. Without going too much into the details, apparently I was anxious and not easy-going enough. She says I get anxious in public.
And today we had a sudden fight too. It started with me having headphones in (I think). I'm doing this a lot. She says she feels ignored. I might too if I was her. I should engage with her more when I'm at home.
Fast forward to an argument we had about the shoe rack. First of all, we're moving in to a new place and she said we didn't need it. We might need it. Why throw away something that perfectly usable? "Because its ugly." Are looks so important? To her they are. That should be enough. That's not compromise though, that's living in a dictatorship. Would she ever consider keeping something she didn't want because she knew I wanted it? Would I? Is it even fair to ask that of someone else?
Writing about it makes me feel better. Puts things in a row. Stops it from mutating into fighting about other things.
Like money. Our saving preferences don't seem to match. She does save a lot of what she earns though, so maybe they're not all that different. I still feel like I have to live hand to mouth. I really need to budget more carefully. An inventory will make this a lot easier to deal with.
We fight a lot about money. I have anxiety when I think about spending. It drains my enthusiasm and she notices. She says I ruin her plans and ideas and that's no way to be. She's right. I want to stop but I don't know how. I need help. Its scary to admit it. I feel weak. I need to be strong for her.
I thought about writing her a letter about this argument. We always seem to make up better when it's written. I wonder why that is. Maybe its because I don't listen when she talks. The key was to listen to the feelings, not the words. I focus on the wrong things with people.